It s Just I Can t Go Through That Again

Covert narcissism, which tends to be expressed in passive or indirect ways, differs from what most people might imagine when they hear "narcissism." Those with traits of covert narcissism may seem shy or overly sensitive, but this apparent self-effacement typically masks grandiose thoughts and an internal sense of superiority, or belief that one is better than others. This form of narcissism may be more subtle and less easy to recognize.

Along these lines, a mother who has traits of covert narcissism may appear, on the surface, to exist cocky-effacing and cocky-sacrificing. Everything she does is for the benefit of her children. The community sees a parent who is room mom, PTA president, or sanctified Sunday schoolhouse teacher. Her social media presence may rival that of a minor glory! At every game, activity, and lesson, Mom is involved in her daughter'southward every determination—so involved, in fact, that Daughter is never allowed to brand any decisions on her own. This level of intimacy betwixt mother and daughter is seen by virtually equally something that is "all expert," simply a more than careful look reveals this is non the case.

The credible closeness of the mother-daughter human relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in means that are unhealthy for both of them. In this case, it is the needs of the mother, not the daughter, that are the cardinal driving strength in the human relationship.

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Covert Maternal Narcissism Through the Life Wheel

When a mother-girl dynamic is affected by the mother's covert narcissism, the impact of this can be seen throughout the daughter'due south life. A mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter's growing independence as a threat. Her defenses make it hard to take the losses and incorporate them at each developmental stage. Psychologically, she cannot withstand the losses involved in allowing her daughter to become more independent.

To counter this independence, Mom establishes herself and her own needs as chief, thus making it more and more difficult for her daughter to notice her phonation and claim her life for herself. In other words, the mother tin can be said to advisable her girl's right to live her own life at each developmental stage. She isn't doing this with "evil" intent. She is just unable to let go of her daughter.

Here is how this dynamic can play out at each developmental stage, with the mother's needs centered to foreclose the daughter'south individuation:

• Infancy. Mom guards her role of primary caregiver jealously and has a hard time letting anyone else, including Dad, become special to Girl.
• Toddler and preschool years. Girl begins to exert independence, and Mom is displeased. She tends to resort rapidly to punishment and is probable to shame any behavior she considers rebellious. When Daughter enters mean solar day care or preschool, Mom sends mixed messages, signaling to Girl that she isn't safe with anyone but Mom. Daughters usually have major separation anxiety at this juncture.
• Adolescent and preteen years.Mom inserts herself in all of Daughter'southward friendships. She evaluates harshly any friend or friendship interaction, often forbidding her daughter to remain friends with anyone she doesn't corroborate of. Unlike tastes in hair, makeup, habiliment, and even music are all experienced as an affront to Mom. Major battles often are the consequence. There is no agreement to disagree, only discord and major standoffs.
• Teenage years. When Daughter begins to date, Mom sees boys as a major threat. What is usually a difficult fourth dimension betwixt mothers and daughters may escalate into a full-blown Armageddon.
• Wedlock.When Daughter marries, Mom's needs, gustation, and preferences ofttimes dictate wedding plans. Decisions are probable to be female parent/daughter decisions instead of decisions made by the couple, and Mom'southward opinions usually prevail.
• Daughter'due south showtime child.Mom'south first grandchild is a major outcome in her life, and she works difficult to constitute her importance as doting, adoring grandmother. She gives unsolicited advice and frequently demands she be included in important family unit decisions, acting equally a partner to her daughter. As a result, the kid'southward other parent is frequently marginalized. Daughter may frequently hear from others, "What a saint your mother is. You are so lucky to have her help!"

In a functional mother/girl relationship, it is normal for each of these stages of development to involve losses for both mother and daughter. However, mothers with narcissistic defenses frequently cannot accept the normal developmental loss that would allow their daughter to individuate and divide in a good for you way. The daughters of these mothers oftentimes feel trapped in the part of "Good Daughter," acting to fulfill an obligation they may not be fully aware of: filling the sense of emptiness Mom experiences. Daughters may not have the language to fully describe covert narcissism, or the behavior of their mothers, or how the dynamic affects them, but they may know "If Momma Own't Happy, Own't Nobody Happy"—if Mom doesn't feel happy and fulfilled, no 1 else tin can, either.

The Furnishings of Covert Narcissism

The touch of covert narcissism in the mother/girl dynamic can be far-reaching, even when information technology goes unrecognized. Some of the people I've worked with in therapy are completely unaware of the pressure playing the role of Good Daughter exerts on them, though they feel the effects.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional actuality in order to proceed their mothers happy. In brusk, they don't know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom's needs and how they should brand her feel.

Daughters trapped in the function of Good Daughter feel an intense pressure level to brand their narcissistically defended mothers await and feel good. In childhood and young adulthood, daughters may strive to fulfill this demand through achievement, functioning, and—above all—practiced behavior. The commencement priority is making Mom look like a slap-up mom, non the growing independence and needs of Daughter.

Every bit an adult, Daughter takes on the role of making Mom feel needed, relevant, and special. She labors under the pressure level to make full Mom'southward need to remain primary in her life, as Mom'southward narcissistic defenses mandate this to be so.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In brusk, they don't know how they experience. They but know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom's needs and how they should make her feel. As a result, they may feel guilt, shame, and self-doubt as they struggle with internal disharmonize. Often, they may be unaware of the intrapsychic conflict backside their struggle. Every bit they endeavour to move toward independence, they may feel guilty or ashamed without fully understanding why. These daughters may likewise unconsciously demolition their successes in social club to proceed their mother relevant.

In short, Mom'south emotions can trounce the Expert Daughter's essential self and rule her life. The demands and pressures of the Good Girl role underlie much of the feet and depressionseen in women today.

How Can Mother and Daughter Heal From This Dynamic?

A daughter's yearning—herneed—to individuate and grow apart from her mother is in disharmonize with the competing desire to gain both her mother's approval and the permission to separate psychologically. In a dynamic where the mother is narcissistically defended, this permission is unlikely to be granted. When a mother's need to be relevant prevents her from letting her daughter become, her daughter is harmed, and she is also at chance for repeating the cycle with her ain girl.

Through psychotherapy, daughters can gain sensation of their internal conflict.The support of a trained and compassionate counselor tin help them go far touch with their healthy striving for psychological independence and explore how to make this separation. By breaking free of the wheel of covert narcissism, the Good Daughter can empower her own daughter while healing herself.

Mothers with traits of covert narcissism can too benefit from psychotherapy, when they are willing to do the difficult work it requires. Our civilization does piddling to support mothers as they lose relevance in their daughter's lives, but through therapy, mothers who struggle to let get can confront this difficulty and learn strategies to absorb, incorporate, and even grow from the losses they experience as their daughters grow and reach adulthood.

Note: This article refers specifically to the dynamic between a mother with traits of covert narcissism and her daughter. Parent-child relationships of any gender combination can be similarly touched by covert narcissism.

References:

1. Payson, Due east. D. (2009).The sorcerer of Oz & other narcissists.Royal Oak, MI: Julian Twenty-four hours Publications.
2. Miller, A. (1997).The drama of the gifted child, revised ed. New York, NY: Bones Books.
3. Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman'southward guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships.New York, NY: Harper & Roy Publishers, Inc.

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